You know, sometimes I feel quite mental.
In the throws of a panic attack, I am at such a heightened state that everything looks and feels a bit technicolour.
However other times, everything seems quite normal, but sometimes I wonder what is actually real and what isn’t. I’m not talking hallucinations or anything, just sometimes feeling things are a little off.
I’m so caught up in my own thoughts that I feel like I live in there, rather than feeling and experiencing what is around me.
For example, some days I can come home feeling like I’ve had a really bad day, but in reality I have actually had a good day. I’ve achieved some great stuff, completed some goals but I feel exhausted and grumpy as if I have used up every emotional tank in my body and need to sleep for a week to replenish them. I overanalyse, pick apart and retrospectively analyse my day that I can miss other things happening around me.
Another example would be thinking that friends or family are annoyed at me, when the exact opposite is true. I find this most common when texting people (and is a large reason I prefer phone calls) as I think that everyone is angry for some reason because there is no inflection present in text messages unless you add emoticons. This is a large reason I think my Mum started using them.
Now these aren’t large things, but I do think that it shows how my mind processes things and how sometimes, it can be a little off.
When I’m feeling low, this is a major source of anxiety for me, because I don’t feel secure in how my mind processes stuff and it can really put a dent in my confidence.
However when I write or create or paint, I really feel like that can create something totally me, something that truly expresses how my mind works; and that is priceless.
So I kind of feel like its an interesting trade off that I play with my anxiety. An interesting dichotomy if you will.
On one hand, I sometimes wonder about my own sanity, and on the other I know it helps me to create and play and imagine in a world truly of my own. It drives me to be more organised, more kind, more prepared and to take a moment and think things through a bit more.
I created this blog, paint things, hug people and prepare for things all because my mind won’t stop considering so much. And in some ways its so worth it.
And so, I would encourage everyone to think about how their own individual thought processes help in their lives. I like to think that my anxiety helps me in some ways and I find that thinking of it in this way helps me accept myself and work with myself to live a more fulfilled life.